TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of put. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have An additional put exactly where American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Everybody a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he need to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Place, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting consideration from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have turn-down provider."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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